Practical Joke Week/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW [ gunshots ] [ glass shatters ] harold: Okay, it's showtime. Hang on to your hats, or, for those of you with satellite dishes, uh, your tuques, because it's time for the beginning of the start of the "red green show," with a lot of regulars and a couple of occasionals, but mostly featuring a man who spends a lot of times outdoors. Well, with very good reason. So, please welcome the star of the "red green show" and my uncle, if I might inject a personal note at this time, mr. Red green! Uh, thank you very much. Thank you, harold. And, uh, welcome to the show. Especially thank you for tuning us in, because without you, I'd just be talking to a wall... Which reminds me of a story. Uh, you know, last weekend up at the lodge, stinky peterson was doing everything in his power to try to get old man sedgwick's goat, uh, not realizing that sedgwick had given the goat away to help settle a card-game dispute that involved a deck with seven aces in it. Excuse me, uncle red? Well, as your producer/director/ concerned nephew, it just behooves me at this time to mention that the story you are articulating somewhat is a yawner, actually, a slash side issue of this particularly important juncture in the program. Oh, really, harold? So what do you suggest? Well, I just -- I was wondering if, uh, many of the viewers have noticed this piece of equipment hanging around my neck/throat. It is an electronic effects machine. It enables me to do this. [ keyboard clacking ] [ laughs ] so I can go to a more interesting segment, which, you know, has every opportunity and possibility. Well, this is my show, uh, harold, and we won't go to the next segment until I say so. Oh, yeah. Well, yeah, sure, right. Oh, sorry. I -- I misunderstood. [ spoons and guitar playing ] ♪ I've dated young women, I've danced with old men ♪ ♪ I've watered my horse again ♪ ♪ and again and again and again and again ♪ ♪ I've rode in new cars, I've driven old trucks ♪ ♪ but none can compare to the thrill of shooting ducks ♪ ♪ shooting ducks ♪ ♪ shooting ducks ♪ ♪ blast them out of the sky ♪ ♪ blow them to mincemeat in the wink of an eye ♪ ♪ I love shooting ducks from deep in the blind ♪ ♪ but if I ever actually hit one, I'd likely change my mind ♪ this week, uh, in the "handyman corner," uh, we're gonna show you some imaginative and some creative and, even to a certain extent, thoughtful things you can do with a garage-door opener. Now, uh, a garage-door opener is a handy piece of equipment, but the thing that it does worst is open garage doors. So rather than just, uh, take it and throw it in the lake, uh, what you should do is use your imagination and think of some other applications of the garage-door opener. For example, here, uh, I've hooked up the garage-door opener to, uh, the door of the, uh -- well, I guess that's a stove is really what it is. And, uh, just imagine now that I'm sitting in my living room, uh, watching a football game on television. And, uh, I've got something in the oven, so to speak -- maybe a turkey or roast beef or raccoon or something. And I want to check on the dinner, but I don't want to miss the game. With the garage-door opener, I can, uh, I can just stay back. And I've got the binoculars to kind of check on how the dinner's going. So, I'll just show you how it works. I just hit this like this. [ motor whirring ] and, uh, well, I wonder how the dinner's doing. No, it's not ready yet. All I got to do then is just turn the unit off. Just, uh, turn the... Just turn this unit off. Then you... [ metal screeching ] well, uh, I guess maybe it is dinnertime. I like that. I'm getting hungry. Time to tie on the old feed bag, I guess. Well, how many of you have dreamed about having your own, uh, personal elevator right inside your home? You can do it, uh, just like I've done here. And I've mounted the garage-door opener, uh, with the chain going up through a pulley situation, and then it, uh, hooks on to a rope and comes down to my, uh, basket, cage, or, uh, elevator enclosure -- whatever you want to call it. So, uh, when I want to go up to, say, the second floor, uh, do whatever it is that I do on the second floor, uh, all I have to do is just aim the garage-door-opener button, and, uh, I start... [ clears throat ] ...I start... I... All right, well, obviously, I have to bolt, uh, the opener to the floor, uh, because I guess I weigh -- well, of course I weigh more than -- well, uh... Uh... I'm sure that, uh, you all get the idea, anyways. [ chuckles ] uh, it can work. And a lot of other ideas. You're only limited by your own, uh, imagination. So, until next time, remember -- uh, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least, uh, find you handy. [ metal screeching ] [ crash ] don't go away because I want to tell you what stinky peterson did to old man sedgwick. It's the same thing that uncle red's stories do to this show. [ laughs ] "it is winter. "the christmas lights are up. "they frame the house in twinkling rainbow colors... From late December to mid-July." now, as I was saying, uh, stinky peterson was determined to play a practical joke on old man sedgwick, and, uh, old man sedgwick was asleep, uh, by the woodstove. In fact, he had his legs wrapped right around it and his face up against the chimney. So, stinky sneaks in there and he opens up the stove and he drops in a box of firecrackers and puts the lid back on and he goes into the next room and then he waits, you know? And then he comes back in and he opens up the stove and he takes the firecrackers out. And then he starts a fire. And then he puts the firecrackers in and then he goes into the next room and then he waits. Well, after about 10 seconds, they all go off at once. Booms and bangs and roman candles zinging out through the cracks in the stove, you know? But, uh, didn't even wake old man sedgwick up. He just -- he lay there with his eyes shut, big smile on his face until it was all over, and then he said, "how was it for you?" aw... [ scoffs ] ...No way, uncle red. As if. That couldn't -- didn't happen like that. Not like that, anyway. Get out of here. [ laughs ] no way. Well, all right, I was embellishing... For the good of the show, harold. Oh. Oh, excellent. Like hype. Oh, okay, yeah, all right, okay. I'm with you on that one. W-a-a-a-a-a! What are you doing there, harold? I was embellishing... For the good of the show. Red: While you and I are going about our daily business, uh, there's someone out looking out over the forest on our behalf up in the timberland, up in the hinterland, and that man is, uh, ranger gord, from his perch high atop, right there in his perch, in his perch up in the tree, from his perch, looking over the forest. He's doing the job for you and I, and it's ranger gord. Wow! Another person! Yep. Hi! How are you, gord? It's me. Ha ha ha! Oh, that's okay. Beggars can't be choosers. And you brought a cameraman and everything. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Hi, folks at home. How you been? I'm fine. I miss you a lot. All right, all right. Gord, so, uh, what's new since we were here last, eh? What's been going on? Well, uh... I found out you can see the forest for the trees. Oh, for gosh sakes, huh? That's it? And, um... Well, that's a good thing to find out. Oh, yeah, and, uh... Been learning guitar by mail. Oh, really? I know all the latest hits. [ clears throat ] ♪ staying alive, staying alive ♪ ♪ ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, staying... ♪ ♪ alive ♪ I'm learning all the songs I have on 8-track. Oh, that's great. That's great. Well, I guess you got to do something, you know, to keep your mind busy. Oh, yeah, yeah. You got to do something. Otherwise, you'd, uh -- you know, I've been up here for 13 years -- almost 13 years. Almost 13 years now. 12 years and, uh... Yeah. Oh, oh, oh. Well, um, I'm sorry. I can understand that. [ weeping ] you know, he's been up here for, uh, 12 years, and, uh... I'm sorry. That's all right. That's perfectly all right. But, uh, you know, I'm not completely alone, red. Oh. Oh. I have samantha. [ chuckles ] oh, now, who is samantha? It's not like a bear or something, is it? No. Samantha is a woman, red. Oh, for gosh sake. Good for you, huh? She has a cabin right over on that next hill there. She's out most days sunning herself in her bathing suit. This way? Over here, over here. Oh, there's a cabin. Yep. I don't see anybody, though. Oh, here. She's in that big window out front. I don't really know if her name's samantha. I just imagine it's samantha. Yep. Just knowing she's there is comforting, though. I wonder what her real name is. Would it be too much of a coincidence if it was samantha, huh? [ laughs ] yeah, uh, ranger gord, that's a log. What? Well, I can see the window, and it looks a bit like a woman, but, uh, that's a log. No, it's not. It's a woman! No, no, that's a log. Take a look yourself. I'm in love with a fallen log. Well, gord, uh... I got to get going. Hey, listen, really good to see you again, eh? Come on! Stick around for a bit. Well, uh, maybe another time we'll stay over, okay? But not this time. Oh, come on! I was gonna have a big barbecue. I got canned corn and I got some beans for a special occasion. I was gonna invite samantha over. I guess there's no point in inviting samantha over now, is there? Well, not unless you need firewood. Shut up! [ spoons and guitar playing ] ♪ there are many fine hobbies a person can do ♪ ♪ like collecting things you find on your shoe ♪ ♪ walking on beads and dancing with sheep ♪ ♪ but the guys and me, we like to sleep ♪ ♪ sleep ♪ ♪ sleep through the night ♪ ♪ sleep half the day ♪ ♪ all night ♪ ♪ lie back and sleep your whole life away ♪ ♪ up in the bunkhouse, snorin' and worse ♪ ♪ but the best sleep of all is a ride in the hearse ♪ oh, uncle red, perfect. This is great. It's mailbag time, okay? So, you choose the green chair, 'cause I've already chosen the white chair. And I have a letter here. I'll read it out loud, and you can answer it, right? 'cause that's what we do on every segment. We should continue with that. I mean, if it's convenient with you. Just read the letter, harold, would you? Okay, all righty. That's good. That's a yes. Okay, "dear red -- ever since my husband retired, "he's been hanging around the house getting on my nerves. "he shuffles around at odds, complaining and grousing. "it's driving me nuts. I can't take much more of this. Is there any hope for me?" well, harold, uh, this is something we've heard before, where a fella retires and he can't find enough to do. Uh, what this woman has to do is to find a hobby for her husband. You know, something to keep him kind of interested and occupied. I suggest watching television. It's educational, it's entertaining, and, uh, he can do it day and night, uh, even when they have guests over. Yeah, but, uncle red, it's not much of a social activity, really, is it? Watching tv's okay every now and then, but it's really not a hobby. Not like, you know, like stamp collecting or making cabinets or producing music videos for new-wave bands. You know, something creative like that. Don't you think that would be a better suggestion at this juncture in time? Don't you think? Well, uh, all right, harold. I did, uh, hear of this one fella that, when he retired, he did something he'd wanted to do his whole life, which is, uh, which is carving statues out of wood with a chain saw. Uh, it got him outdoors. Uh, and he would be carving them out of those big tree trunks, you know, so he was getting his fresh air, and it was a creative thing. And, uh, plus, carrying around a 40-pound chain saw really keeps the old ticker in shape. 40 pounds?! Well, you need, uh, the saw with the 6-foot blade on there to cut through the heavier woods. Yeah, but you can't even lift one of those. Well, uh, that doesn't matter. I'm not retired yet. Now, he would just carve, uh, strictly catfish. But you could do insects or, uh, even children with the large, sad eyes. Oh, I bet you there's a good market for that, too. A huge market. I bet you that's what happened. I bet you that's -- I bet you there is. That's what I think. I bet you. Well, the catfish sold well. Uh, they were about 10 feet long, uh, made of redwood. Heck of a lawn ornament. Uh, you know, they looked like they were actually feeding right on the lawn there. I've heard an amusement park in missouri bought about 40 of them and made, uh, made a huge catfish merry-go-round. But, uh, after about five years of making these, he'd done so well with these, he had enough money to, uh, buy himself a new chain saw. Oh! Hey, that's great. And I bet you that answers our lady viewer's question. Yeah, it's a good hobby, and, uh, if the husband gets bored with it or something and he's still getting on her nerves, she can just, you know, use the chain saw on him. Oh, no, no, uncle red, no. He's kidding. Tell her you're kidding, uncle red. Don't say things like that. Tell her you're kidding. Well, whatever. He's kidding. [ film projector clicking ] red: One of the things, uh, bill wanted to show you was how you can survive in the forest, uh, by fishing. Uh, even though you have no equipment, you can just find things around, uh, that you can use. And the first thing he wants to show you is, uh, how to do a little spearfishing. And what you're looking for is, uh, some sort of a branch or, uh, a tree limb or -- that one's got too much of a curve. You're looking for something straight. That's got too many branches on it. Oh, now, that looks better. Oh! Oh! Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy. That smarts. Ooh. He's okay. All right, all right. Don't forget the pole. All right. [ crying ] so, next thing, he's got to sharpen the end there, and -- oh, for gosh sake. Check your knife, always check your knife for -- see how the water refracts things, they look bent? This is what you got to be careful of when you're spearfishing. Oh. Oh, all right. Okay, well, that one was -- but you get the idea. Uh, so, now bill kind of has to allow for that angle when he -- when he goes for the fish. I don't know what that does at all. I think he's... There. I think he's got something. I think he's got one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, bill's been doing this a long time. [ groans ] [ straining ] well, sometimes he knows what he's doing. Okay. So, give up on the spearfishing. We're gonna try to make a fishing pole out of this. And the next thing you need -- well, he needs a line. Now, bill has an interesting approach. He, uh, he uses a thread right out of his clothes. Uh, and what he's gonna do is, uh, I guess put this onto the -- oh, for god's sake. Uh, put that onto the -- easy there, bill, easy. Easy, easy, easy, easy, easy, easy, easy, easy. All right, all right, we're okay. And then -- oh, and look what he's doing here -- kibitzing around. That won't work 'cause my clothes are stapled together. Uh, he's going -- that bill is a real kidder. But he's gathering up the thread. And I guess he's -- that's probably enough, bill, don't you think? Probably enough. Bill? Bill? Oh, boy. Oh, god. All right, he winds that onto the rod there. Now what he needs to do is find some bait, so he's looking for, uh -- I think he's looking for a worm here, looking under rocks. And nothing there. What's this? Worm: Oh. Oh, my god. I didn't know -- I wonder why that was -- ouch! Bill doesn't like putting the worm on the hook, does he? Well, god. [ laughs ] well, anyway, he's all set. In he goes. Throws the bait into the water. And look at that -- there's a man. Oh, geez, he's got one. He's got something there. He's got something. Oh, he's -- oh, he's -- wow, it's putting up a fight. This is a good one. This is a good one. Oh, this is great, this is great. I like that look with the pants rolled up. Careful now, bill. Oh. Uh, he's all right. And he hauls her in. That's a big one. He's got -- wait a minute. Oh, for gosh sake. That'll fit the van. Then he makes us eat whatever he catches. But he's, uh, happy to share. More than happy to share, I think. "eat it," he says. "it is winter. "a little voice says, 'me! Me!' you're out of windshield-wiper fluid again." all right, uh, at this point, we'd like to bring the show to a, uh, to a complete halt and, uh, give harold a chance to say a few words. Harold, the floor is yours. Don't mess it up. [ laughs ] okay, um, music videos, right? Okay, a lot of so-called educators and a lot of so-called experts and a lot of so-called parents think that there's too much violence and too much sex in music videos. Well, I would like to say to them -- you know, if I could say to them. They're not here, but I'm saying to them if they could hear this, no. So, uh, sorry. I agree -- I agree that there's too much violence in videos, and granted, that will not make me popular with a lot of teenagers, but I'm not popular with them now, so like I care or something. Yeah, take a minute out of my busy day and make me care. I don't. W-a-a-a! But, anyway, um, as far as too much sex in videos goes, I just like to think that -- well, this is my opinion, and you're welcome to share it -- that I think there's no such thing as too much sex. [ laughs ] there's that terrible, terrible thing called too little sex. Believe me, I know. It's horrible. But music is, like, all about love and romance, right? And, well, love and romance is all leading up to sex, right? And nobody objects when they play the song "don't sit under the apple tree." well, I object. It's a stupid song. I like the message, though. I haven't forgotten the story about, uh, stinky peterson and old man sedgwick, so stay tuned. You can see why it's so hard for me to make this show entertaining. Uh, dave, why don't we try hitting the ball? I got a bat here, and, uh... Would you like to, uh, would you like to hit or would you like to pitch on that? Could I hit? No, no, what I'm saying is, uh, would you like to hit the ball or would you like to pitch? Hit the ball. Have you ever tried pitching? It's a lot of fun to pitch. No, it isn't. Yeah, I think it is. I tell you what we'll do. You know, um, why don't we flip a coin? And then however that goes, we'll decide who hits and who pitches, okay? So, you call it in the air, okay? Heads. No. All right, so, you know, it's kind of a lesson in life, I think, for the youngsters to see that things don't always go the way you want them to go. There's a give-and-take. Back up a bit, dave. I'm gonna pitch to myself now, because otherwise, he's never gonna give me anything to hit. All right, dave, you ready? Now, get under it. Where's your helmet? Oh, never mind. Okay, here we go. Just a nice soft one. Hey, come and get that, dave? The thing is here that with the kid -- they got the energy. They don't know what to do with it. I say to them, "come on out and play with me, and then your energy will get used, believe me." okay, dave. You all set? Yep. You look kind of tired. All right. Now, the thing is there that, uh, he gets out. He gets some fresh air. He gets some exercise of the legs. They're getting moved around. [ breathing heavily ] mind you, you know, I'm getting kind of old for this. Anyway, I get to spend some time with the young fella, and he gets to learn, uh, what growing up is all about. So, anyway, uh, stinky peterson kept playing practical jokes on old man sedgwick the whole evening, but, you know, the old guy never got riled. I mean, even after dinner there, where he was scraping the shaving cream off of his pie. He said to stinky, "you know, stinky, "if you want to grow old gracefully, "you got to find a way to just accept life and not get upset about pranks, you know?" and stinky was still mulling that over when he went to bed and then found out that his sheets and his mattress had been frenched. But he didn't really notice that because his pajamas were so full of itching powder, you know, and then, of course, the bed collapsed and he went right down through the cutaway floorboards, bounced off the naugahyde recliner, out through the front window, and headfirst into the septic tank. And old man sedgwick yelled down to the septic tank, "oh, yeah, revenge is good, too." live and learn... And the doctors say he will. Anyway, uh, if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home, and I'm bringing another bunch of flowers tonight. Uh, I do this a few times a year 'cause I'm really not too sure when our anniversary is, and this way, everybody wins. So, thanks for watching the show, and until next time, on behalf of myself and harold over here, uh, and the whole gang up at the lodge, keep your stick on the ice. Gord: ♪ smoke on the water ♪ ♪ staying alive, staying alive ♪ ♪ ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪ [ vocalizes "sunshine of your love" ]